Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Lately, I have been thinking a lot about my childhood.
My brother, 2 years my senior, has a very bad heart. He underwent triple by-pass and reconstructive heart surgery. He survived the surgery, but now he is dealing with infection and many medications and is back in the hospital.
When we were young, we were very close. It was us against the four big kids in the family. He was pretty protective of me most of the time. I know it must have been hard for him having to drag his little handicapped sister with him almost everywhere he went.
He started school, a year before me, even though he is actually 2 years older. My parents kept him out for reasons that are not clear to me, either because of the draft or because of me. It becomes cloudy over the years, and in a big family, the truth has many versions. I was caught up in the excitement of his first day, but I was also a little sad and jealous, he was going on about his life...without me.
These days we rarely see each other. Maybe once every 2 years. Life has made it difficult for me to be close to my family. I have chosen a path that does not include them.
It was intentional at first, I needed to be able to hear my own inner voice. Being the youngest of six, it seems that there is always someone there to lend advice (orders!) even when I am not looking for it. So off I went. And here I am.
I love my life, and where it has taken me. I am so thankful my husband came into my life when he did. None of this would have happened had I stayed in the hometown.
Now that we are getting on in years, my mother having passed 21 years ago, one of my brothers four years ago, and now with Bobby hanging on...I feel such a loss.
There is something in the past that I want to grasp and hold onto, but I don't know what it is exactly. I find myself treading the waves of nostalgia that keep sweeping me away from my daily rituals.
My pace is slow lately, I am learning to go with it. Maybe I don't want to move forward because that means letting go. To let go means to accept. What is it that I need to accept?